The Future Betsy DeVos WantsPublished:November 13, 2019
Ever wonder what our public school system would be like if Betsy DeVos and her Koch-affiliated cronies designed it?
Well, wonder no more! Join us for a glimpse into the future Betsy DeVos wants...
by Cade Elkins
I was scanning student debit cards into EduChoice, the public school payment portal, during my 10 minute duty-free paperwork period when the rent-a-phone in my classroom jangled. I danced across the rows of fifty computer cubicles, tossed a Koch Coin in the payment slot, and answered it on the fourth ring. It was my principal.
“Whew,” he said, “almost got that non-answer penalty. Watch it, Teach.”
“Sorry, sir, I was charging student debit accounts. After all, how could we provide students a quality free-market choice without requiring their market participation?”
“Careful there, participation in the free market is by definition not coercive,” he said.
“Of course you’re right, sir, people can always exercise school choice and enroll their kids in the government camps if they wish. What do you need, sir?”
“We have a real problem, Teach. A teacher hacked into the online classroom database and is giving away lessons for free.”
I stood up so fast the Teacher Accountability Camera by RayBan™ fell off my head. “A socialist teacher? In our school? Knowledge is the key to success, sir, we can’t just let people give that away for free!”
“I know, Teach. That’s why I’m putting my best man on it. Make sure you fill out your expense reports, and Teach... stop in at the Campus Carry locker. We’re dealing with an anti-capitalist, after all.”
I went straight to the Freedom Concourse and checked out my standard issue Sig Sauer™ Educator, then went to lunch at the Milton Friedman Free Market Market. The cafeteria worker had scarcely scanned my Educational Savings Account wrist implant chip when I saw an unfamiliar woman at the far end of the room. Something was off about her...
Barely visible at her neckline, an undershirt was peeking out from the collar of her Americans for Prosperity in Education uniform (company motto: You’ll love the choice we chose for you!).
Was that... the color red?
Alarm bells jangled in my head as I remembered the #RedforEd uprisings and subsequent school purges from years back. I was like a bull seeing red, and baby… public education is a bull market. I dropped my burger and beer combo on the ground.
“Stop!” I yelled as I drew my Educator, but she ducked out a side door. Hot in pursuit, I found her discarded uniform, and to my horror I saw the Pearson logo on the back had been melted off with a contraband laminator.
Down the hall I saw a red shirt flash around the corner, and I followed the rogue into the main concourse. I was lucky the students were in their Privatization 101 Presented by Coors™ classes, so I didn’t have to worry about any crossfire.
She cut behind our Charles Koch statue, and I fired a shot but hit one of the tentacles instead. The gunshot must have made her think twice though, because she stopped and threw her hands up.
“Freeze, socialist scum!” I yelled as I leveled my school sidearm at her chest. A nearby student took out an earbud to see what the commotion was about, but upon seeing that it was merely a patriot exercising the right to wield deadly force on campus, he went back to studying.
The renegade stood quivering in front of me. “Please don’t shoot! I’m just a union member, I’m not a socialist or scum!” she yelled.
“It’s all the same to me,” I said as I patted her down. In her pocket I found a battered AFT membership card. “American Federation of Thugs, eh? Haven’t seen one of these since the riots of 2020. Why’d you do it? Try to destroy our beautiful profits, I mean?”
“I just… I’m a teacher, I don’t think about profits. I just wanted all the kids to learn,” she said as I walked her to the principal’s office.
“Don’t you know that school choice has taken care of all that? Competition makes winners out of all the kids, except the losers.”
“Of course, how could I forget,” she said in a dazed voice. She started crying when I plopped her into one of the holding cells outside the principal’s office.
“The school counselors are right down the hall if you need some therapy before the police arrive… just $39.99 per hour,” I said.
She hung her head in thanks as my principal came out of his office. “Great job, Teach,” he said, handing me a freshly minted redeemable DeVos Dollar. “You’ve earned an extra bathroom break buck for this. I may even put you in for ALEC Teacher of the Week!”
On my way back to class I ran into one of my favorite students, Tim. He came from a middling school from an area with low property taxes, and we were able to heroically poach him. As we all know, society’s resources are limited so we must concentrate our efforts on only the blessed few.
“Hey Teach, would you mind writing me a letter of recommendation?” he asked.
I flashed him my best customer service smile. “You got your Student Voucher Card on you? It’ll cost you!”
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